Chasing Alyssa

You really gotta be your own "Yes." To me, this is a face of Possibility. A giant Yes. I was about 4 years old here. A completely open face to go with the heart, and a spirit of adventure too. The joy is palpable, right? So why does the fight to keep that joy, the same faith in Possibility grow more difficult with time? Lots of different reasons from a million little moments that start adding up, hardening to create its own coat of armor. I get so used to steeling myself with dogged confidence just so I can keep showing up, even when all of that confidence is just thrown into the void, even when anything from unimpressed to flat out rejection comes from the other side. When acceptance or even accolades do come, it's almost confusing to me because I have trained myself to expect so little from others.  What's concerning is my great relief in these more affirmative moments. There's a validation, the thought that "No, in fact I'm not crazy......

**Names have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals. And the author from possible shade.** ~ In Seventh grade, I started having trouble in math class. Honestly, I was never a big fan of math class even in elementary and middle school, but I still understood the lessons and earned decent grades. From Seventh grade through Twelfth grade in my public school system, classes were divided into three levels: Honors, Level A, and Level B. I was placed in Honors level classes across the board, but about a month into the term, I took a complete nose-dive in my Honors Math class. I could not keep up with the material, and having never experienced this before so profoundly, I felt completely lost. I found my teacher, Mrs. White, to be intimidating. When I approached her with concerns, she seemed to brush them off or go through the material very quickly, not really taking the time to break down the concepts for me. During tests, she would often remind us of the limited time we had ...