Chasing Alyssa

          The following Spring after we were married my husband and I took a proper honeymoon to Bali. We rented a car and explored the island extensively, traveling to all four quadrants. It was a life-changing experience, three weeks rich in transformation with episodes I recollect like touchstones, on at least a weekly basis. One of those episodes occurred near the northern town of Singaraja at the unusual temple, Dalem Jagaraga. This temple is dedicated to the worship of the god of death (Ciwa or Durga) so that when someone dies the soul may be at rest. The Balinese honor gods for both their positive and negative connotations, and recognize the importance of these yin and yang forces in the world. This temple is also famous for its unusual carvings inspired by modern western additions to Balinese culture, when Singaraja was a major trading port fighting for its independence from the colonizing Dutch. While we were visiting, examinin...

You really gotta be your own "Yes." To me, this is a face of Possibility. A giant Yes. I was about 4 years old here. A completely open face to go with the heart, and a spirit of adventure too. The joy is palpable, right? So why does the fight to keep that joy, the same faith in Possibility grow more difficult with time? Lots of different reasons from a million little moments that start adding up, hardening to create its own coat of armor. I get so used to steeling myself with dogged confidence just so I can keep showing up, even when all of that confidence is just thrown into the void, even when anything from unimpressed to flat out rejection comes from the other side. When acceptance or even accolades do come, it's almost confusing to me because I have trained myself to expect so little from others.  What's concerning is my great relief in these more affirmative moments. There's a validation, the thought that "No, in fact I'm not crazy......